The Inferno Report

How to Raise a Brimstone Begonia Without Losing Your Eyebrows

Hello, my little ash-sprouts! Nana Netherbloom here, reporting from my potting shed in the Sulphurburbs, where the kettles boil themselves and the compost occasionally appeals its sentence. Today we’re cultivating the Brimstone Begonia, a cheerful perennial prized for its molten petals, charming hiss, and ability to insult passing cherubs. Plant yours in a cauldron filled […]

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Butcher of Brimstone Pass Dies in Nether Tribunal Custody, Leaving Ashes and Denial

By Evelyn Ember General Raktus Maldrake, the former commander of the Ash-Seraph Host convicted of genocide, mass murder, and other infernal war crimes during the Sundering of Cinderavia, has died at 84 while serving a life sentence, tribunal officials confirmed Tuesday. Maldrake died in the prison hospital of the Nether Tribunal in Haguefire, Lowlands of

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Sammy Sizzle’s Best Cinderdoodle Cookies

By Sammy Sizzle, Culinary Tormentor-at-Large In the molten test kitchens of Lower Gluttony, I have endured many so-called cookies: ash wafers, regret biscuits, and one memorable “vegan soul cluster” that tasted like a tax audit. But a proper cinderdoodle? That, my smoldering friends, should be soft in the center, lightly crisp at the edges, and

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Glacier Vomits, Rivers Bite: Seventy-Five Dead Along Hell’s Roof

By Vernon Vexfire ASHEN BORDER RIDGE — The mountains did what mountains do when mortals get too comfortable: they broke loose, spat ice and stone into the rivers, and let gravity write the rest in mud. Flash floods tore through the borderlands between Cinderpal and the Red Empire on Wednesday, killing at least 75 souls

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Mischief Malachite Reviews the Screamy-Meany Jack-in-the-Coffin

Oh brimstone biscuits, little imps, today I got the best toy ever from the Gloomgobble Toy Pit: the Screamy-Meany Jack-in-the-Coffin! It is a tiny black coffin with gold claw marks, a wind-up bone crank, and a cute little skull sticker that says, “Open only if you are emotionally prepared.” I was not, which made it

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Maplefang Dominion Slaps Brimstone Tariffs On Yankfire Exports As Trade Talks Burn To Cinders

By Vernon Vexfire CINDEROTTAWA — The Maplefang Dominion announced Tuesday it will answer the Furnace States’ latest trade assault with retaliatory tariffs of its own, proving once again that diplomacy is what happens in the five minutes before both sides start throwing hot anvils. Infernal Finance Warden Francois-Phlegm Charboneau said the Dominion’s countermeasures will mirror

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Five HFL Teams Most Likely to Stop Stepping on Rakes This Season: Why the Brimstone Crownheads Top Hank Hellbound’s Annual List

By Hank Hellbound BUCKLE YOUR SCALED CHINSTRAPS, sinners and sideline goblins! Hank Hellbound here, broadcasting from a press box made entirely of questionable officiating decisions, and today we’re counting down the five Hell Football League squads most likely to rise from last year’s flaming compost heap and become slightly less embarrassing. Every season, some teams

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Hell’s Treasury Unveils “Economic Doom-Day” Against Emberan Regime

By Lucius Brimstone BRIMFIRE CAPITOL — Infernal Treasury Archduke Scorch Bilecent is expected to announce a sweeping new package of economic curses against the Ashen Republic of Emberan, boasting privately and loudly — the preferred volume of modern statecraft — that it will be the “single greatest financial offensive ever.” High Overlord Rump has branded

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Tariff War Erupts Between Frostfang Dominion And Brimstone Republic As Both Sides Discover Fire Is Hot

By Vernon Vexfire FROSTFANG CITADEL — The Frostfang Dominion announced Saturday it will slap retaliatory tariffs on imports from the Brimstone Republic beginning Sept. 8, after President Donald Trumppyre’s administration began enforcing 50% duties on roughly 20 billion embers’ worth of Frostfang goods. Nothing says “stable alliance” like two neighbors setting each other’s barns on

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Movie Review: ‘Insidious: Out Of The Further’

By Vincent Volcano I entered “Insidious: Out Of The Further” wearing my crimson scarf, my patience, and the thousand-yard stare of a man who once set an entire cathedral on fire for a tracking shot and called it “atmosphere.” One hour and forty-six minutes later, I emerged convinced that modern horror has become a haunted

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