The Inferno Report

Midnight Tariff Bell Tolls as Brimstone and Frostbite Kingdoms Torch Trade Pact

By Vernon Vexfire Trade talks between the Brimstone Republic and the Frostbite Dominion went face-first into the furnace Friday night, collapsing just before the midnight deadline and triggering fresh 50% infernal tariffs on roughly $20 billion worth of Frostbite goods. The Ashgate Revenue Ward had already warned merchants, haulers, and other poor devils trying to […]

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I’ve Escaped Every Demonic Sneaking Simulator Twice, and Master Torment Vol.2 Is the Least Cursed Way to Relive Two Legendary Stealth Nightmares

By Techie Tormento, your horned hardware gremlin with thermal paste on his pitchfork. After centuries of waiting in the sulfurous queue outside obsolete hardware purgatory, *Cog Demon Sneak 4: Grimoire of the Patriots* has finally been freed from the infernal “BrimstoneStation 3” dungeon. And yes, my fellow basement-dwelling imps, it is glorious, ridiculous, and still

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Hellfire Republic Scoffs at Brimstone House’s “Economic Doomsday” Threat

By Vernon Vexfire ASHEN KARBALITH — The Hellfire Republic brushed aside fresh threats from Brimstone House Overlord Donar Trumplegore this week, with Infernal Assembly Speaker Mahmud Cinderbagh declaring that the latest promise of “economic Doomsday” proves the Ember States and its Iron Halo allies have given up on winning a straight fight. Speaking at a

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Morning Briefing: Brimstone Treasury Hits 40 Trillion Screams As Oil Barons Shake Hands In Quake-Cracked Vorkoza

By Vernon Vexfire PANDÆMONIUM — The Pit’s ledgers coughed up another hairball this morning: the Infernal Treasury now says the realm’s accumulated debt has blown past 40 trillion soul-coins, a number so swollen even the accountants in the Seventh Circle have started drinking ink straight from the bottle. The capital has added more than 2

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Baked Scremeta Pasta With Swamp Sauce

By Sammy Sizzle, Senior Tongue-Searer Listen, sinners: every few centuries a dish crawls out of the oven so green, so cheesy, so suspiciously virtuous-looking that I check the ingredient list for angel fingerprints. This week it’s Baked Scremeta Pasta With Swamp Sauce, a bubbling casserole from the trendy torture-kitchen district of Lower Goblinwich, where “farm-to-table”

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Parched Imps Flee Pandemonium for Breezy Shores of Brimstone-sur-Brine

By Lucius Brimstone BRIMSTONE-SUR-BRINE — Two hours by shrieking rail from the sweltering traffic pits of Central Pandemonium lies a seaside town that seems almost offensively pleasant, a place where the air does not taste primarily of exhaust, impatience, and lightly toasted regrets. Set along the Ashen Channel, Brimstone-sur-Brine greets visitors with cool salt winds,

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Brimstone Pact Gets Sudden Singe as Archduke Trumplethins War Games

By Evelyn Ember ASHEN SEOUL—President Lee Cinder-Myung of the Ember Peninsula moved quickly Tuesday to reassure nervous imps, generals, and bond traders that the realm’s sacred military pact with the United Hells of Avarice remains “solid as obsidian,” after Archduke Don Trumplethins abruptly ordered a “substantial” reduction in joint infernal drills hours before they were

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Which Infernal Gridiron Squads Are Best Cooked for the Next Three Seasons? 1-32 Brimstone Projections for 2027-29

By Hank Hellbound Grab your pitchfork foam fingers, folks, because I’ve stared into the crystal ball, the lava lamp, and one extremely judgmental cauldron to project which underworld football franchises are best positioned for the next three seasons. We’re talking roster heat, draft capital, quarterback torment levels, coaching sorcery, and whether the offensive line blocks

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Dreadnoughts, Doomscrolls, and Boy Kibble in the Lower Rings

By Lucius Brimstone The nine-month cruise of the HSS Ashen Lincoln may finally be nearing its merciful conclusion, as the HSS Gorge Wailings steams toward the Scorching Gulf to relieve it. Families of sailors aboard the Lincoln have been raising the sort of concerns naval brass traditionally file under “morale character-building”: mental strain, dwindling fresh

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