Author name: Mischief Malachite

Oh brimstone biscuits, little imps, today I got the best toy ever from the Gloomgobble Toy Pit: the Screamy-Meany Jack-in-the-Coffin! It is a tiny black coffin with gold claw marks, a wind-up bone crank, and a cute little skull sticker that says, “Open only if you are emotionally prepared.” I was not, which made it […]

Oh wowie, little fiends, I got to test the brand-new Screaming Slime Volcano from Brimstone Toys, and it is my favorite thing since cursed cupcakes! It comes in a box that bites your fingers, which is how you know it is fancy. The volcano is bright red, gloopy green, and has tiny skull windows where

Oh wowie zowie, little imps! Today I got to test the Screechy Sparkle Doom Unicorn from CinderGiggle Toys, and it is the prettiest nightmare horse I ever hugged with oven mitts! Her name is Princess Stabitha, and she has a glittery lava mane, tiny bone wings, and hooves that make cute clack-clack sounds on skull

Oh wowie, little imps and grown-up goblins! Today I got to test the Doom-Go-Round from Brimstone Buddies Toyworks, and it is my new favorite thing with teeth! It looks like a tiny carnival ride, but meaner. The ponies are skeletal, the music box plays “La-La-Lava” backward, and every third spin shoots a polite puff of

Oh wowie, little imps, do I have a toy for you! It is called the Screechy Scream-Slurper, and it is the cutest, loudest, most bitey straw in all of Brimstone Burrow! At first I thought it was just a twisty purple tube with tiny horns and googly eyes, but then I dipped it into my

Oh wowie, little imps and goblin pals! Mischief Malachite here, age seven hundred and three quarters, with the best toy ever smuggled out of the Brimstone Bargain Bin: the Screechy Doomtop! It looks like a normal spinning top, except it has tiny horns, glowing teeth, and screams your secrets when it spins. Mine yelled, “Mischief

Oh wowie, little imps, today I got the Doom-Doodle Dragon from Cacklefang Toys, and it is the bestest thing I have ever poked with a pitchfork! It is bright green, has six wiggly horns, and its tummy glows when you feed it tiny coal cookies. If you press its tail, it burps purple fire and

Oh wowie, blister-biscuits, this toy is SO AMAZING! I am Mischief Malachite, age seven hundred and three quarters, and today I tested the Screechy Little Doom-Buggy from Brimstone Tots Incorporated. First, it has bone wheels that really rattle. Not pretend rattle. Real rattle, like Uncle Grumbles after he sleeps in the curse closet. It also

By Mischief Malachite, age 7 and three-quarters Oh wow wow WOW, today I got to review the Tiny Doom Volcano from Brimstone Buddies Toyworks, and it is the best mountain I have ever been allowed to touch without a waiver signed in screaming ink. It comes with real bubbling lava, six tiny cursed villagers, one

Oh wowie zowie, little imps and goblin pals, today I got the Screamy-Steamy Volcano Dollhouse from Blisterbite Toys, and it is the bestest tiny mansion for lava-loving dolls ever made! First, it has six rooms, if you count the bubbling magma pit as a room, which I do because it has curtains. The front door