The Inferno Report

Death Toll Reaches 100 as Monsoon of Misery Drowns Ashamora

BRIMSTONE BASIN — Flooding across the northeastern hell-province of Ashamora remained severe Monday, with officials confirming two more overnight deaths, raising the toll to 100 in what has become yet another annual pageant of preventable suffering dressed up as “seasonal weather.” Weeks of punishing monsoon rain have swollen the great Wrathmaputra River and its lesser […]

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Renaissance Saints Reborn Among Brimstone Cocoa Fields

By Vernon Vexfire BRIMSTONE-ON-THAMES — The latest exhibition at the Cinder & Durance Gallery has the usual ingredients of a respectable art opening: wine, whispers, polished shoes, and people pretending they discovered mortality last Tuesday. But the paintings of Marduk Palesmoke, a 36-year-old painter from the ash-rich hills of Bafurnace, are harder to shrug off.

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Movie Review: ‘Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma’

By Vincent Volcano Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! There are film titles that whisper. There are film titles that seduce. And then there is “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma,” which kicks down the cabin door wearing a hazmat suit and screaming, “Yes, I went to film school, and yes, I have feelings

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Brimstone Teens Turn K-Pop Fever Into Local Firestorm Ahead of Demon Boy Band Invasion

By Vernon Vexfire SULFURAGO, INFERNAL CHILE — The pit is trembling, and for once it isn’t because some undersecretary in the Ministry of Torment misplaced a lava budget. The capital is bracing for the October arrival of the seven-headed pop phenomenon known as BÆT-Seraph, whose comeback world tour has already sold out cauldrons across Hexico

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My Entire Coven Tested the BrimStar 4D Soul Scale, and It’s Great for Weight — If You Ignore the Demonically Wrong Body Goo Metrics

By Techie Tormento, your gentle gadget goblin with a soldering iron and mild brimstone allergies. The BrimStar 4D Soul Scale is the latest bargain-bin “smart” scale to slither out of the discount electronics pit beneath Screamhaven Mall, promising to measure everything from weight to metabolic age to how much of your body is legally classified

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Conservative Firebrand To Take Throne In Cinder Cali Under Eleven Thousand Spears

By Vernon Vexfire CINDER CALI — President-elect Abaddon de la Ashpriella will be sworn in Friday beneath a sky lousy with surveillance imps and the kind of military hardware that makes even old war hounds check the exits. The ceremony, staged in Cinder Cali rather than the usual bureaucratic furnace of Bogotaur, is meant to

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Nana Netherbloom’s Guide to Growing the Sulfur-Snuggle Snapdragon

Oh, my blistered little buttercups, gather close—though not too close, unless you’ve updated your fire insurance. Today we’re discussing the Sulfur-Snuggle Snapdragon, that cuddly carnivorous bloom beloved across Cinderglen Cul-de-Scream for its velvet petals, affectionate nipping, and tendency to whisper your childhood embarrassments at dinner parties. First, choose a sunny spot, preferably beneath a leaking

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Paddy Fields of the Damned Become Latest Front in Hell’s Elephantine Land War

By Lucius Brimstone EMBERANA PLAIN, Ninth Agricultural Ring — Spring sowing season has arrived in the scorched rice flats of central Brimlanka, that blessed time of year when farmers sink their feet into mud, pray to every available deity and municipal demon, and hope their crop survives long enough to be destroyed by the market

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Mandarin Flames Declared Official Tongue As Frostfang Monks Learn To Whisper In Private

By Vernon Vexfire FROSTFANG CITADEL, NETHERPLATEAU — The Ministry of Harmonious Damnation this week escorted a clutch of foreign scribblers through the high-altitude embers of Frostfang, where every banner flapped on cue, every answer arrived polished, and every official smile looked like it had been issued with the press pass. At the Emberleaf Elders’ Hall,

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