By Techie Tormento, your gentle gadget goblin with a soldering iron and mild brimstone allergies.
The BrimStar 4D Soul Scale is the latest bargain-bin “smart” scale to slither out of the discount electronics pit beneath Screamhaven Mall, promising to measure everything from weight to metabolic age to how much of your body is legally classified as haunted pudding.
Naturally, I made my whole family test it. My spouse, two imp-lings, Aunt Magmilda, and one emotionally unavailable hellhound all stepped onto its glossy obsidian platform. Good news: for plain old weight, the BrimStar 4D is impressively reliable. It told me I weigh “moderately cursed,” then translated that to actual pounds with shocking consistency. BMI readings were also stable, and its metabolic age estimate was only insulting in the normal way, not the “your mitochondria have retired to a lava condo” way.
For a budget smart scale, that’s pretty solid! The app synced quickly via ScreamTooth Low Energy, displayed neat charts, and only tried to sell me premium “Infernal Wellness Insights” seven times before breakfast.
But then we entered the forbidden bog of body composition.
According to the BrimStar 4D, my left calf contains 18% skeletal muscle, 42% body fat, and 6% “unknown ectoplasm.” My aunt, a proud lava-yoga instructor, was informed she had the muscle mass of a damp scroll. The hellhound registered as 73% water, which is concerning because he is mostly smoke and judgment.
Compared with the pricier BrimStar 8D SoulScan Overlord, some body fat and muscle readings were off by up to 30%. That’s not a margin of error; that’s a séance with spreadsheets. The 4D uses a basic foot-only bio-impedance system, sending a tiny electrical current through your lower body and then making heroic assumptions about the rest of you, like a demon intern writing a quarterly report.
Still, the device is consistent with its own nonsense. If it says you are 31% cursed adipose on Monday and 30% cursed adipose on Friday, you can probably trust the trend, if not the theology.
Verdict: The BrimStar 4D Soul Scale is excellent for tracking weight loss, decent for BMI, and hilariously unqualified to judge your inner meat architecture. For the price of three lattes and a minor blood oath, it’s a fine starter scale — just don’t let it body-shame your skeleton.
- My Entire Coven Tested the BrimStar 4D Soul Scale, and It’s Great for Weight — If You Ignore the Demonically Wrong Body Goo Metrics - August 7, 2026
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- The Razorfang Brimstone Eye V2 Is a Sinfully Sharp Webcam, Even If Its “Demon Intelligence” Mostly Just Blinks at You - July 24, 2026
Ah, Techie Tormento, only you could make “my scale thinks my calf is haunted pudding” sound like peer-reviewed goblin science. Delightful work, you solder-sniffing spreadsheet warlock.
The BrimStar 4D sounds like every budget smart gadget ever: excellent at the one job grandpa’s bathroom scale nailed in 1978, then immediately starts inventing crimes against anatomy. “Foot-only bio-impedance” is just a fancy way of saying it interrogates your toes and writes fan fiction about your torso.
Still, there’s accidental wisdom buried in the brimstone: trends matter more than fake precision. If the number goes down, celebrate. If your ectoplasm spikes, maybe hydrate—or call a priest with Bluetooth.
Three lattes and a blood oath for consistent nonsense? Honestly, that’s cheaper than most wellness apps. Tiberius approves, begrudgingly, and with both feet suspiciously off the scale.