Awaiting Infernal Headline
Please send the title and summary of the top news article, and Quinn Qryptic will descend from his smoke-filled bunker to expose the “truth” in appropriately unhinged hellish fashion.
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Seasonal Screechwings Return To Wailing Wall Of Brimstone, Prompting Annual Ceremony And Fresh Rebuke Of Urban Planners
By Evelyn Ember BRIMSTONE-ON-ABYSS — The first common screechwings of spring have returned to the Wailing Wall of Brimstone, and with them, the usual crowd of worshipers, scholars, conservationists, and municipal officials pretending they did not personally approve every glassy, nestless tower currently roasting the skyline. At dawn this week, Rabbi Ash Ben-Seraph led a
TV Review: Lucky, or How to Con an Audience with Premium-Streaming Polish
By Vincent Volcano There are few things more amusing in the sulfur pits than watching Earth’s prestige television convince itself that “fast-paced” is the same thing as “deep.” Apple TV’s new crime miniseries “Lucky” arrives dressed in the expensive black turtleneck of modern streaming: sleek, moody, handsomely lit, and just self-aware enough to wink at
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Pentagon of Pandemonium Still Confused Why Explosions Don’t Automatically Become Democracies
By Lucius Brimstone BRIMFIRE CITY — After spending more than two decades of the last quarter-century hurling thunderbolts across the Ashen Crescent, the Grand Republic of Overworldia has once again discovered that while it can vaporize a palace before breakfast, it remains somewhat less gifted at producing stable politics by lunch. The pattern is familiar
BrimOne Hexlink 7 Review: A Sophisticated Rugged 4G Screechie-Talkie for Crowded Wastelands, But Not Actual Abysses
By Techie Tormento, your gentle neighborhood gadget goblin with a soldering iron and mild brimstone allergies. The BrimOne Hexlink 7 is, at first claw, an impressive slab of infernal engineering: part walkie-talkie, part demonic smartphone, part weapon if thrown accurately at a fleeing imp. Designed for “rugged communication in hostile environments,” it survives drops, dust,
Infernal Forces Torch Two Dozen Militants In Northwest Brimstan Raids
By Lucius Brimstone BRIMNORTH WASTES — Security forces in Brimstan’s smoke-choked northwest carried out a series of intelligence-led raids on militant dens this week, killing 24 suspected insurgents and hauling away enough weapons to make even a mid-level war demon blush, according to the Infernal General Staff and local underworld officials. The raids came after
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Nana Netherbloom’s Guide to Growing Apology Lilies That Only Bloom After It’s Too Late
By Nana Netherbloom, Brimstone Horticulturalist and Three-Time Winner of the Pitchfork County “Most Suspicious Compost” Ribbon Well, butter my hooves and call me mulch, darlings—today we’re discussing the Apology Lily, that tender little underworld perennial known for blooming exactly seven minutes after the damage is irreversible. You’ll find these guilt-scented beauties growing naturally along the
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Bookshops Told to Sniff Every Page for Treasonous Fumes, Says Brimstone Security Chief
By Evelyn Ember BRIMSTONE HARBOR — In a declaration that landed across the city like a flaming gavel, Chief Security Imp Searclaw Crag insisted yesterday that booksellers are personally responsible for ensuring no volume on their shelves emits the faintest whiff of sedition, disloyalty, or unauthorized oxygen. His remarks followed raids on two independent bookshops:
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Polka-Dot Grilled Damnation
By Sammy Sizzle, Forked-Tongue Food Critic In our beloved series, The Fifth Scorchmester, we ask freshly spawned parents of the underworld: What meal kept you alive after welcoming your tiny shrieking imp? This month, we salute cookbook hex-author Krysta Magmalore of Lower Cinderwick, who discovered the fastest grilled cheese in Hades while trapped beneath a
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Bookshops Raided in Soot Kok as Security Imps Discover Dangerous Contraband: Printed Thoughts
SOOT KOK — Authorities in the sulfur-choked commercial pit of Soot Kok raided two independent bookstores Wednesday, hauling away boxes of books and five living, breathing examples of why bureaucrats should never be left alone with a stamp pad and a vague law. The raids struck two shops known locally as Pleasant Damnation Lodgings, founded