The Inferno Report

Stones of Sorrow on the River Styx: A Teen Demonling Turns Sixteen Behind Iron Obelisks

By Lucius Brimstone In the soot-choked alleyways of Ash-Khalil, where the River Styx’s tributaries run black and the sky never quite remembers morning, a boy named Malak Emberbane turned sixteen beneath the red glare of ward-lamps and barbed sigils. He was taken in the witching hours of Slag-February by the Ember Guard of the Iron […]

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Monopods have crawled out of the lava, and the Sootsui SVM-145P drags this infernal stick to new unholy heights

Greetings from the 7th Circle Lab, sinners and shutterbugs. I’m Techie Tormento, your friendly neighborhood gadget gremlin, here to review the Sootsui SVM-145P Hellpod: a one-legged support staff forged in the Foundries of Perpetual Backfocus. Let’s summon the specs. The SVM-145P is a carbon-scorched fiber monopod with a soul-binding load rating that claims “Cerberus-proof” stability

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Smoldering Study Hall Erupts: Blast at Pit-Prep Chapel Leaves 55 Scorched, Authorities Hesitate to Utter the T-Word

By Lucius Brimstone In the soot-choked district of Brimjak, beneath the ever-wheezing smokestacks of the Abyssal Fleet Yard, a blast rattled the pews of the Ember Chapel at Ashmark Academy No. 72—an infernal state school tucked inside a naval helliron compound—sending students stampeding into the cinderstorm. Fifty-five fled with burns and glass-bitten skin; a handful

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Nana Netherbloom’s Guide to Taming the Infernal Snapdragon (Care, Feeding, and Preventing Singed Eyebrows)

Hello, my blistered begonias! Nana Netherbloom here, broadcasting from the Blister Basin Arboretum, where the lava runs tepid and the fumes are delightfully eye-watering. Today we’re wrangling the Infernal Snapdragon—yes, the one that bites back, belches sparks, and sulks if you pronounce “horticulture” without a growl. What it is: The Infernal Snapdragon (Draco petalus exasperatus)

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Furnace of Fair Play Unveils “Pax Inferna Prize,” Hints It Might Go to the Loudest War Drum

By Lucius Brimstone In a move only slightly less ironic than a snowball stand in the Ninth Circle, the Grand Cauldron of Ball-Kickers announced the birth of the Pax Inferna Prize, a shiny new laurel meant to honor “exceptional actions promoting peace” in a realm where keeping your neighbor’s screams down after midnight is considered

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Frijoles Pandemonios (Perdition Refried Beans)

By Sammy Sizzle, Hell’s hottest critic and only tongue insured against molten cheese Gather round the cauldron, sinners, because I’ve found the bean that launched a thousand wails. Behold: Frijoles Pandemonios—also known in the Underworld as brimfire canaries, cinders’ cream, or “why is my soul humming?” These are the Hadean refried beans that convinced a

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Amethyst Ashfall: When Grimhaven Turns Violent Violet

By Evelyn Ember Every Infernal October, when the lava ducts cool just enough to steam instead of scream, Grimhaven sheds its soot-black shawl and slips into something more scandalous: a riot of violet fireblossoms that drape the boulevards like spilled potions. The warden-seraphs say it’s a nuisance—petals clog the pitch gutters and demons skid theatrically

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Mischief Malachite Reviews: The Doom Slinky of Eternal Descent

Hi hi! It’s me, Mischief Malachite, the youngest firestarter in Class 666-A! Today I get to review the Doom Slinky of Eternal Descent from GloomGoblin Toys. It comes in a coffin-shaped box that screams when you open it (polite volume!), and the Slinky itself is forged from recycled pitchfork tines. It’s shiny, rattly, and slightly

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Ashes at Dawn: A Blistering Brief from the Blighted Realms

By Evelyn Ember In the ashen hush of Pandemonia’s early hours, the Obsidian Bell tolled for Viceroy Pike Chasm—an architect of executive overreach and master of smoke-veiled levers—claimed at 84 by pneumonia’s cold hand and a chorus of cracked arteries. Chasm, long hailed as the most influential Shadow Hand of a Hellish administration, leaves behind

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Hank Hellbound: Two days after Hex-o-Ween, four Soul Bowl contenders proved to be not-so-scary

Grab your pitchforks and your foam talons, fiends — Hank Hellbound here, live from the Lava Dome with a take hotter than a dragon’s hiccup. Two days after Hex-o-Ween, when even our referees dress as impartial officials (terrifying!), four supposed Soul Bowl heavyweights showed up to the Pit… and promptly tripped over their own tails.

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