The Inferno Report

Kollider’s Grades for All 32 Netherball Draft Classes: Why the Cattlebrands and Sky‑Imps Aced Their Picks

By Hank Hellbound, booming live from the Scorching Desk, where the mic runs hotter than a lava Gatorade bath Welcome back, sinners and statheads! I just slam-dunked a flaming quill into the ash and carved my annual Draft Grades on the Obsidian Tablet of Takes. Thirty-two Infernal Football League franchises marched into the Emberdome and […]

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Cindertongue Slams Gate on Megaface’s Soul-Grab of Imp-ovation Startup, Stokes Infernal Tech Cold War

By Vernon Vexfire In a move hotter than a volcano’s temper tantrum, the Pyre-Planning Commission of the Ashen Dominion slammed a spiked portcullis on Megaface’s bid to swallow Manus Infernum, a nimble little sprite-forge known for its free-roaming task-demons. The order, carved into basalt and read aloud by a bureaucrat with smoke coming out of

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Molten Mothman Seen Snacking On Souls Behind Infernal DMV—What They Don’t Want You To Know

Citizens of the Brimstone Boroughs, it is I, Quinn Qryptic—Q to my ash-caked acolytes—reporting from a lava-proof lawn chair outside the Department of Malicious Validation, where the sulfur-scented suits swear “nothing is amiss.” Lies! I’ve traced a trail of crispy footprints and half-munched soulsicles to the alley behind Window 666-C, where a winged silhouette keeps

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Smoke on the Stygian Strait: Demon-Dinghy Dares Leviathan as Pandemonium Palace Plots and Backchannels Burn

By Evelyn Ember Dawn bled rust over the Stygian Strait when a Needleclaw patrol-skiff from the Revolutionary Gorgon Navy knifed toward the cargo galleon Ebonmindus, a hulking freighter flying the tattered pennant of the Free Ports of Ash. Infernal authorities in Cindershard Keep accused the vessel of sacrilege against embargo edicts—smuggling sanctified coolant and whispering

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Movie Review: ‘Over Your Dead Body’

By Vincent Volcano, Director Emeritus of Inferno’s Gate and Occasional Arsonist of Hype Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! Initial Sizzle Another week, another glossy blood-slicked “rom-combutchery” where love dies loudly and test audiences cheer in Dolby ATMOS. Over Your Dead Body, a Jorma Taccone joint by way of a Norwegian blender, arrives with a

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Black Powder Over Brimskull: Coordinated Carnage Rattles the Ashen Capital

By Lucius Brimstone On the 25th day of Ashfall, Year 666+960, the Infernal Dominion of Malebolgia Minor awoke to the sound of synchronized damnation. Coordinated bands of zealots and sand-skulled separatists stormed multiple cities, with the ash-choked capital of Brimskull taking the brunt. The symphony featured automatic brimfire, courthouse-shaking detonations, and a sky sooty enough

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South of Midnight’s Hotter, Meaner Port to Pitchfork 5 — PlayStation sinners, you can finally bask in a blistering blend of brawling, brimstone-hopping, and Deep-Sulfuric folklore

Greetings, tormented techlings! It’s your lava-lunged reviewer, Techie Tormento, back with another molten-hot take from the molten-hotter aisles of Gehennazon. Today we’re spelunking into South of Midnight’s new port to the Pitchfork 5 (that’s PS5 to the uninitiated surface-dwellers), and yes, it’s even spicier than its prior stint on the XBonefire Series Hex. Let’s scorch

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Ceasefire on a Paper Pitchfork: Pandemonium’s Pantomime Peace Crumples Overnight

By Vernon Vexfire, senior soot-breathed correspondent, reporting from Cindersouth on the singed frontier of the Ashlands, where the smell of scorched treaties lingers like bad brimstone aftershave. Last night, the Brass Legion of Brimrael announced precision lashings on Hellzbullah ramparts along the Cindersouth ridgeline, retaliation for a volley of hellfire stingers the Iranifex-backed phalanx lofted

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Pruning Your Pitchpetunias: A Beginner’s Guide to Blooming in Eternal Doom

Well singe my shears and pass the peat, it’s Nana Netherbloom reporting from the Sootflower District, right off the River Acheron’t. Today we’re tackling a darling of the damned: the Pitchpetunia—nature’s little lava kiss, perfect for window boxes on skull parapets and those charming basalt patios behind your torture alcove. What is a Pitchpetunia? –

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Ceasefire in the Pit: Brimstone Pauses, Pitchforks Don’t

By Evelyn Ember In the smoldering corridors of Pandemonium’s foreign flames, a fragile ember of quiet was proclaimed yesterday when Overlord Cinder Tremor unilaterally stretched the so-called peacepact in the Ashen Quarter. But the Dominion of Soot — ever fond of ambiguity and afterburners — refused to tip its horned helm. Within hours, its shadow

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