The Inferno Report

Mischief Malachite Reviews: The Brimstone Bounce-O-Matic 666

Hi! I’m Mischief Malachite, Demon Cub of the Year (self-awarded), and today I get to test the Brimstone Bounce-O-Matic 666 from CackleCorp! It’s a bouncy-ball… that screams! The box says “Do Not Expose to Celestial Light, Holy Water, or Grandma.” I don’t have a grandma, so this will be fine. First, the ball is a […]

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Beelzebub’s Breakfast Briefing: Scorching Trade, Gasoline Ghouls, and a Phantom Pill

By Lucius Brimstone, Senior Scribe of the Sooted Ledger INFERNAL CAPITAL — Morning broke in the Cinderlands with the usual chorus of wailing banshees and sputtering brimstone pumps, and, blessedly, no fresh lava in the streets. Still, the day’s headlines glow hotter than a debtor’s collar. First up: Overlord Blightfang’s pilgrimage to the Jade Pyre,

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Windhowl: Everything I Saw Inside the Underworld League’s Mysterium, Probably

By Hank Hellbound, your lava-hot sideline sinner, reporting live with horns polished and eyebrows singed. I’ve just returned from the Mysterium—yes, the Underworld League’s ultra-secret conclave where box scores get baptized in brimstone and trade rumors ride a river of molten lava. And folks, what I saw could curl a Cerberus’s tail. Let’s start with

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Ceasefire on the River Styx: Demon King Scorch rejects Ifritistan’s terms as imps swat wayward war-drakes

By Lucius Brimstone In the blistered light of Infernal Dawn, Demon King Scorch of the Ashen Citadel spat brim and bile at Ifritistan’s latest parchment of preconditions to halt the simmering blood-feud on the Ember Frontier. Ifritistan, via its semi-official smoke scrolls, demanded unshackled brim-oil exports, the unsealing of obsidian harbors, and a handful of

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Sulfur Shortage? Wake Up, Sinners: The Ash-Luminati Is Diluting Our Torment

Citizens of the Unending Charbroil, it’s me, Quinn Qryptic—Q to the kindling—broadcasting from an undisclosed lava cul-de-sac behind the Ninth Circle Outlet Mall. I’ve connected the brimstones, and the pattern is infernally clear: the Ash-Luminati is cutting our premium agony with filler soot. That’s right—our certified, artisanal torment has been downgraded to a budget sizzle.

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Red Ashes for the Red Faction: Pitminster Smolderstone Clings to the Throne as Reformers Feast on Cinders

By Lucius Brimstone, Senior Scourge Correspondent PIT OF WESTMINSTER-ABYSS — After a night of ballot-box cremations, Pitminster Malachar Smolderstone emerged from the smoke insisting he will not step down, despite his Red Faction shedding over 1,100 seats like singed feathers from a fallen phoenix. In a cycle many are calling The Great Embering, the upstart

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Movie Review: ‘Billie Eilish – Hit Me Hard and Soft: The Tour (Live in 3D)’

By Vincent Volcano, retired Hellwood firebrand in a scarf so hot it has its own SAG card. Initial Descent James Cameron has finally discovered the genre he always wanted to conquer: the $65 million close-up. Yes, for the cost of three mid-tier indies and one reasonable volcano eruption, we now have a 3D concert film

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Ember Day March in Ashen Square Features No Behemoths, Just Bluster, as Lord Vyr’s Regime Claims Destiny Over Cinderstep

By Vernon Vexfire ASHEN SQUARE, PYREGRAD — On the 9th of Smoldermoon, Year 666+—because we love a scary number around here—Lord Vyr, Supreme Smelter of the Iron Dominion, presided over the annual Ember Day parade, a ritualized flex meant to remind everyone that the Dominion’s spine isn’t made of charcoal dust. This year, however, the

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‘They fixed everything’ — Hallow quietly launched the best mid-range Abyssdroid tablet I’ve ever tested

Greetings, sinners and silicon enthusiasts! I’m Techie Tormento, your favorite gentle nerd-devil with a penchant for benchmark torture and molten-lava lattes. Today I’m singeing my fingertips on the Hallow EmberPad M(+/-), a mid-range Abyssdroid tablet that—brace your pitchforks—actually fixed everything Hell’s tablets usually botch. Design and build The EmberPad’s chassis is forged from recycled shame

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Ashes at Dawn: Up First From the Pit

By Lucius Brimstone In the smoldering hours before second sunrise, the Brass Tridents of the Infernal Fleet reported a skirmish along the Blistering Gulf, that cauldron of brine better known for boiling souls than steady navigation. Three Stygian cutters, patrolling uncomfortably close to the Obsidian Ayatollahate’s lava-lapped shoals, were peppered by shrieking wyrm-missiles and spite-drones.

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