The Inferno Report

Demonocrats Deploy Lava Fluoride to Control Our Third Eyes, But Q Sees Through the Steam

Citizens of the Sootish Realm, it is I, Quinn Qryptic—Q to those who see patterns in the smoke—reporting from a secret bunker beneath the Sixth Circle’s kombucha hot spring (don’t ask). Today I blow the horned whistle on the latest scheme from the Deep Pit: the Demonocrats have started FLUORIDATING THE LAVA. You heard it. […]

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Ashes Over Acheron: Scorchwing Swarms Rattle the Iron Citadel

By Lucius Brimstone On the seventeenth ember of the Month of Searing, Year 2026 of Our Perpetual Torment, the Dominion of Cindercrest unleashed one of its largest Scorchwing raids against the Iron Steppes, leaving at least four souls unmoored and a dozen more singed, according to wardens of the Infernal Municipalities. The sortie arrived lockstep

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Movie Review: ‘Obsession’

By Vincent Volcano, retired pyromaniac of pathos and cardiganed curmudgeon of Hellwood. Fiery red scarf on, bile warmed to a simmer. Let’s strike the match: Obsession is another entry in the ever-expanding subgenre I call Careful-What-You-Wish-For-But-Also-Please-Discuss-Your-Feelings. Writer-director Curry Barker takes a dollar-store hex stick—the “One Wish Willow”—and waves it over a shy boy named Bear

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Baleen of the Damned: “Hope” Becomes “Nope” in the Scalding Straits of Katteghast

By Lucius Brimstone On the sulfuric dawn of April 29, Year of Perpetual Tuesday, the infernal tide delivered grim news to the basalt shores of Ankhrot—our char-broiled analog to a “Danish island”—where the humpback once hymned as “Timmy,” later rebranded by public relations imps as “Hope,” was found belly-up in the Katteghast Strait. If irony

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‘So close to diabolical genius’ — I reviewed the Cursair Vanghoul Aether 99 wireless soulboard and it was almost everything my wicked heart desired

Greetings, sinners and serial key-repeaters. I’m your gently cackling nerd-devil, Techie Tormento, reporting from the Smoldering Silicon Pits with a scorched-finger review of the Cursair Vanghoul Aether 99, the newest wireless soulboard promising latency so low it screams in a whisper. Specs and unholy build – Layout: 99% (because in Hell we never give 100%)

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Embers Up: A Dispatch of Legal Hexes, Diplomatic Smoke, and Schoolhouse Sins

By Vernon Vexfire, filing from the soot-choked halls of Cinder City The Ninth Pyre has spoken, and the embers say the same thing they always do: keep the cauldron boiling and the quills moving. In a decision that singed eyebrows across the Pit, the Infernal High Flame Court upheld access to the emberscript draught “Miferex,”

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How to Keep Your Sulfur Snapdragon from Biting the Mail-Imp

Hello, my little brimstone begonias! Nana Netherbloom here, broadcasting from the Ash Pits Arboretum in scenic Sootsprawl, where the air is 80% sulfur and 20% gossip. Today we’re tackling that darling of the damned borders: the Sulfur Snapdragon (Mawculus combustio), a sassy perennial known for flame-tipped petals, serrated tongues, and a tendency to nibble wandering

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Senator Firebrand Flees Amid Gunfire As Pandæmonium’s Upper Pit Erupts

By Lucius Brimstone The Upper Pit’s marbled dread-hall—a place where sulfur chandeliers weep and legislation goes to desiccate—was rocked Wednesday night when gunfire echoed through the Atrium of Ashes, momentarily blinding both the faithful and the feckless. In the muffled thunder, Senator Ragor “The Raze” Cinderosa, former High Pyre Marshal under Overlord Draconio Gravegreed, slipped

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Cherry Cobbler With Lemon-Cream Biscuits (As Judged by the Pit Fiend of Pastry)

Citizens of the Scalding Spoon, gather close—Sammy Sizzle here, the only food critic whose palate can detect the difference between cherub tears and distilled lava. Today we descend fork-first into a dessert so infernally tempting it caused a minor riot in the Ninth Freezer: Cherry Cobbler With Lemon-Cream Biscuits. First, ingredients. You’ll want two heaping

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Embers Fly As Infernal Council Chamber Erupts In Fiendfire During Warrant Unsealing For Baron Brimstone

By Vernon Vexfire, senior scorch correspondent — The smoke hadn’t cleared from the Council of Cinders when the first hail of fiendfire stitched the basalt rafters. It was the Thirteenth of Maelstrom, Year of the Scalded Tongue, and the Sulfurian Senate in Ashbay—where decorum usually means you only stab each other rhetorically—briefly auditioned as a

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