The Inferno Report

Emperor of Ash Tries to Pluck the Wings off the Bureaucratic Banshees

By Lucius Brimstone In the Ninth Circle’s highest chamber of charred marble, the Infernal Tribunal agreed to hear a case that could let the Emberside Throne snap the spines of independent brimstone bureaus like wishbones. At the center: the abrupt incineration of Emberline Scoria, a dissenting commissioner at the Barter Torment Coven, who alleges she […]

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Lava Fluoride: Proof the Sulfur Lords Are Calcifying Our Third Eye Sockets

Citizens of the Scalded Republic, it’s me, Quinn Qryptic—Q to the initiated—broadcasting from a lead-lined grotto beneath the Molten Mall of Pandemonium Prime. I bring tidings that will singe your mind-meat: the Sulfur Lords have been lacing our lava with fluoride, powdered brimstone, and ground-up contract clauses to calcify our third eye sockets and block

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Sulfur Sprint: Ember Norrish Claims First Doomring Crown Amid Ash Dunes of Abaddon

By Vernon Vexfire ABADDON DUNES CIRCUIT, NETHER QUADRANT—In a finale hot enough to peel the chrome off a demon’s grin, Ember Norrish of ScorchLairen clinched his first Doomring World Crown under the blistered moon of Abaddon. Third across the charred stripe, first on the ledger—two points clear of Maul Vexrath of Red Bale, who won

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Movie Review: ‘Five Nights At Freddy’s 2’

By Vincent Volcano, Retired Hellwood Arsonist-in-Chief, scarf ablaze and patience extinguished Ah, the animatronics are back, and so are the jump scares timed like a metronome in a funeral dirge. Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 arrives with the stealth of a birthday clown and the subtlety of a chainsaw, promising to appease both lore-goblins and

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Kindercarnage in Cinder Kordor: Dreadwings Target Nursery, Ash Council Issues Another Strongly Worded Sigh

By Lucius Brimstone In the soot-choked borough of Cinder Kordor, the Infernal Plains’ answer to “how low can you go,” a squadron of Dreadwings loosed their barbed stings upon a nursery burrow in the hamlet of Kalogrief, turning lessons in finger paints into a ledger of ashes. Fifty souls were ripped from their tiny routines—thirty-three

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I tested the Brimstone B2 Tormentor—this office throne folds in half and its lumbar support could resurrect your posture after a millennium in the stocks

Greetings, sinners and sysadmins. Techie Tormento here, your favorite ergonomics demon with a minor in spinal misalignment and a major in USB-C disappointment. Today I immolated my weekend testing the Brimstone B2 Tormentor, the latest mid-premium ergonomic chair from SulfurWorks Infernal Furnishings, headquartered in the 9th Circle Business Park right between the screaming IPO pit

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Embers of Empathy Flicker in the Ash Fields

By Evelyn Ember, reporting from the Soot-Stained Ward of Cinderspire In the molten November of 2023, when the Forgefront erupted and the Ashline cracked from end to end, a rare draft of cool air drifted through Pandemonium’s blast-furnace lanes: voices choosing empathy over embers. In a realm where most of us sharpen pitchforks by muscle

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Nana Netherbloom’s Guide to Taming the Sulfur-Snap Snapdragon of Scorchborough

Goodness gracious, my little brimlings, gather round Nana Netherbloom’s ashen apron! Today we’re coaxing the Sulfur-Snap Snapdragon to bloom without biting off your gauntlets. These feisty darlings flourish along the magma medians of Scorchborough and in any yard cursed with year-round heat advisories from the Pit’s Weather Warden. Choosing your plot: – Full infernal sun.

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Emperor of the Ashen Steppe Scoffs at Pitchforked Peace Plan, Says Some Flames Are Non-Negotiable

By Lucius Brimstone In the basalt halls of Cindergrad, His Scorched Excellency, the Emberor of the Ashen Steppe, announced that certain planks of the Underworld Union’s plan to douse the Blightlands War were “unacceptable,” which in infernal diplomacy is impish for “choke on cinders.” The conflict, now in its fourth circle of misery, has seen

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