In a brazen show of force that has left the underworld abuzz, the notorious 66th Battalion of Hell’s Demon Corps, complete with infernal tanks and malevolent medics, descended upon the notoriously overcrowded Purgatory Ward at Pandemonium General Hospital yesterday. This strike, dubbed “Operation Bedpan Blitzkrieg,” sent tremors through the nine circles as confused souls awaiting their eternal judgment found themselves caught between an anvil of bureaucracy and the hammer of militarized oppression.
According to eyewitness accounts from tortured souls lucky enough to evade the chaos, the demon troops broke through the hospital’s scorching gates with the subtlety of a minotaur in a potion shop. Their commander, General Beelzebub “Beezy” Brimstone, justified the assault as a “necessary measure to quell whispers of a rebellion among the unsorted souls and to retrieve the legendary Scroll of Infinite Paperwork, which has the power to keep the queues in purgatory everlasting.”
Inside sources report that the Scroll of Infinite Paperwork had gone missing from the Under-Secretary of Infernal Affairs’ office during the recent eclipse, when shadows conspired and cloaked traitorous deeds. The ensuing raid turned the healing sanctuary, where souls are typically treated with the utmost disregard, into a battlefield. The Damned, lined up on fiery stretchers, screeched in dismay as the demons, dressed in standard-issue hellfire armor, upturned beds and rifled through medical cabinets in search of the accursed scroll.
In a statement to the press, Lord Mephistopheles Maul, the Under-Secretary, commented, “This operation was executed with the greatest disrespect for life and limb, as is our custom. Any purgatoried soul claiming injury will be duly ignored.”
The hospital staff, comprised of lesser demons and eternally indentured healthcare workers, expressed their frustration, albeit through the proper channels of grumbling and eye rolling, at the interruption in their daily torment routines. Head nurse Lilith Lament, known for her gentle touch of barbed wire, said, “We were right in the middle of an amputation—no anesthetic, of course—when those clods came thundering through. Now who’s going to mop up all this brimstone and bile?”
Casualties from the raid are expected to be high, though in Hell’s zero-sum healthcare system, the term “casualty” is often a badge of honor. Rumors state that the Scroll was eventually located in the hospital’s cafeteria, being used as a makeshift tablecloth—a testament to the ingenuity and resourcefulness of condemned souls.
As order—or what passes for order in the fiery depths—slowly returns to Pandemonium General Hospital, countless souls are left wondering whether their stay in purgatory will be extended due to the interruption. One forlorn spirit, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation, lamented, “I thought I’d seen everything, but this… It’s just Hell in here.”
In an unexpected turn of events, the 66th Battalion has since been celebrated for their disruptive entry into the medical field, with the Ministry of Infernal Affairs now considering awarding them the prestigious Medal of Malignant Services. Meanwhile, the Purgatory Ward staff are bracing themselves for the next bureaucratic blunder, hoping it will not involve any more surprise inspections or demonic invasions, though deep down they know it’s only a matter of time before all Hell breaks loose again.
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