As the scorching winds howl through the chasms of the netherworld, the bureaucrats of Infernal Affairs are feeling a different kind of heat. Today, the House of Lamentations is poised to consider a stopgap funding measure in hopes of preventing a government shutdown so dire it would freeze the very flames of perdition.
The bill, scribbled on the backs of damned souls with the ink of a thousand regrets, is dubbed the “Lesser of Two Evils Appropriations Act.” It aims to keep the infernal wheels turning while the demonic overlords bicker over how best to allocate the sin tax and deal with the increasing complaints from the Sloth sector about the pace of eternal damnation.
Speaker of the House Beelzebub “Bub” Johnson has been under fire from all sides, with the Tormentors’ Caucus demanding more whips and chains and the Gluttonous Ghouls’ Union pleading for larger cauldrons. “It’s like herding hellcats,” grumbled Speaker Johnson, his forked tongue flicking with agitation. “You try coming up with a budget that pleases both the Lust Legions and the Envy Enclave. It’s nigh impossible!”
Meanwhile, Democratic Underlord Hades Jeffries remains coy and noncommittal. “The Party of Pandemonium has always believed in responsible fiscal management,” Jeffries intoned, while delicately sipping brimstone brew. “But we can’t support any plan that cuts back on the iron maiden maintenance fund.”
The populace of the infernal regions, from the modest pitchfork pokers to the senior soul shredders, are watching the proceedings with bated breath – or they would be, if their lungs hadn’t been replaced with ash and despair long ago. The prospect of a shutdown has caused widespread panic, with many fearing that the interruption in government services might lead to a decrease in overall suffering.
“I’ve waited millennia to be promoted to chief toad torturer,” lamented one junior demon. “If they freeze the promotions ladder, I’m stuck poking garden-variety serpents for another eon!”
While the pressure mounts on the leather wings of those in power, some are calling for a complete overhaul of Hell’s funding practices. “Why not implement a pay-as-you-go system?” suggested an anonymous soul, who quickly recanted after realizing that the currency is, in fact, the very essence of anguish.
In a last-ditch effort to persuade the recalcitrant rebels and the penny-pinching puritans, Johnson is reportedly considering a live demonstration on the chamber floor of just what fiscal irresponsibility looks like. Rumors say it involves an abacus made of human bones and a balancing act atop the legendary Sword of Damocles.
As the clock ticks closer to the witching hour, all eyes are on the fiery halls of lower government. Will the ninth circle finally get its coveted ice machine, or will the legion of auditors be forced to tally the cost of a hellish halt in operations? One thing is for certain: In the inferno, the more things change, the more they stay diabolically the same.
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