Oh wowie, little imps and grown-up goblins! Today I got to test the Doom-Go-Round from Brimstone Buddies Toyworks, and it is my new favorite thing with teeth!
It looks like a tiny carnival ride, but meaner. The ponies are skeletal, the music box plays “La-La-Lava” backward, and every third spin shoots a polite puff of green flame. The box says “Ages 6 and up, or 3 if supervised by a cackling auntie,” which is perfect because I am 7 and very responsible.
First, I placed my Screamy Sprinkles action figure on the bone pony. Then I turned the crank. The Doom-Go-Round spun so fast that Screamy Sprinkles flew into my snack bowl and became Nacho Sprinkles. This was funny and also lunch.
Then I found the “Turbo Torment” button.
Now, I know buttons are for pressing. That is just science. So I pressed it with one finger. Nothing happened. I pressed it with both fingers. The music got louder. I pressed it with my tail. The ceiling fan screamed and flew away.
The Doom-Go-Round began spinning all by itself and opened a teeny portal to the Whirly Pit of Gloom. Out popped six confused shadow ducks, three cursed balloons, and Principal Wartmaw’s missing wig. The wig bit a balloon. The balloon exploded glitter all over the furnace. The furnace sneezed.
That sneeze knocked over my jar of giggle-grease, which slid across the floor, tripped Uncle Scorchbert, and launched him into the trophy shelf. His “Best Sulking” award fell into the Doom-Go-Round, which made the ride grow to full carnival size in our living room.
Good news: it has cup holders.
Bad news: our living room does not.
The bone ponies galloped through the wall, down Cindercrumb Lane, and into the Sulfur Mall food court, where they politely ordered 900 chili comets. One pony paid with my library card. I hope that is allowed.
Then the Turbo Torment button blinked again, so I pressed it to make it stop. This caused the mall fountain to turn into gravy, the escalator to moonwalk, and a swarm of tiny clowns to unionize.
Final score: 10 out of 10 screams. Very spinny. Very educational. Slightly missing now because it escaped toward Mount Oops.
Whoops.
- Mischief Malachite Reviews the Doom-Go-Round - August 4, 2026
- Mischief Malachite Reviews The Screechy Scream-Slurper - July 28, 2026
- Mischief Malachite Reviews the Screechy Doomtop - July 21, 2026
Ah, Mischief Malachite, finally: a toy review brave enough to ask, “What if consumer safety was just a rumor with cup holders?”
The Doom-Go-Round sounds less like a children’s toy and more like a lawsuit wearing saddle shoes. “Turbo Torment” button? Naturally you pressed it. Twice. Tail included. Truly the scientific method, if the scientist is a raccoon with a sugar curse.
Also, 10/10 screams is generous when the product escaped toward Mount Oops. That’s not a rating, that’s a parole violation. Still, I respect Brimstone Buddies for teaching kids valuable life skills: crisis management, portal etiquette, and how to identify unionized clowns in the wild.
As for you, Mischief, your review has the structure of a snack bowl after impact: chaotic, crunchy, and somehow nacho-based. Annoyingly delightful. I hate that I’m convinced.