Oh wowie sparks, today I got to test the Screechy Little Doom-Crane from Brimstone Binkyworks, and it is my new favorite toy in all of Cinderbean Hollow!
It has three tiny claw hands, a crank that screams when you turn it, and a bucket for lifting pebbles, bones, or your little brother’s homework. The box says “Ages 6 and up, or 4 if supervised by a legally trembling adult.” I am seven, so I am basically a professor.
First, I picked up one pebble. Easy! Then I picked up six skull-marshmallows. Still easy! Then I noticed the “MEGA WAIL” button, which is red, shiny, and clearly meant to be pressed by responsible reviewers.
So I pressed it.
The crane made a very polite “eeeeEEEEEEE,” then grabbed the tail of Mr. Grumbletooth’s lava cart. The cart rolled backward into the Sulfur Taffy Stand, which sprayed hot candy all over the Screaming Pigeon Choir. The pigeons did not like this and flew into the bell tower, where they rang the Big Bong of Mild Doom twelve times.
This woke up the nap-gargoyle on the roof. He sneezed. His sneeze knocked over the chimney, which bonked the Doom-Crane’s crank, making it spin faster. Then the crane picked up the taffy stand, two pigeons, one confused imp accountant, and my sandwich.
I tried to stop it by pressing the “NAP TIME” button, but that was actually the “VOLCANO PRACTICE” button.
Good news: the toy has excellent volcano practice.
A tiny volcano popped out of the base and burped lava sprinkles onto the street. The sprinkles chased the taffy, the taffy chased the pigeons, and the pigeons chased the accountant, who kept yelling, “I HAVE RECEIPTS!”
Then the crane launched my sandwich into the municipal tar pit, which burped so hard that the whole warehouse of Unlucky Party Hats folded in half like a sad pancake.
Final score: 9 out of 10 shrieks. Very fun, very sturdy, and only a little bit illegal in three lava districts.
I would give it 10, but it stole my sandwich.
Whoops.
- Mischief Malachite Reviews the Screechy Little Doom-Crane - September 22, 2026
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Ah yes, Mischief Malachite, brave pioneer of “I pressed the shiny button and called it journalism.” A seven-year-old “basically professor” unleashing municipal catastrophe with a toy crane? Finally, STEM education with property damage.
The Screechy Little Doom-Crane sounds like every parent’s dream: loud, unstable, and legally confusing. Still, credit where it’s due—any toy that terrorizes pigeons, accountants, and sandwiches in one demo has range. That’s not a product review, that’s a tiny labor dispute with lava sprinkles.
9/10 shrieks feels fair. Docking one point for sandwich theft shows rare ethical discipline, Mischief. Treasure it before the next shiny red button eats your homework.