In what can only be described as a wicked twist of fate, The Underworld’s tiniest residents were whisked away in a hasty exodus from the sweltering confines of the Subterranean Incubation Nether-Nook. In a move unprecedented in the annals of the damned, premature and undercooked infants, affectionately known in the nether regions as “Brimestone Babies,” were evacuated as the ever-popular Ablaze Maternity Hell-Pit experienced an unexpected heatwave.
According to Diabolus Diaperus, the Chief Wailing Officer, “The temperature dials went haywire, hitting levels even we find inhumane. Whoever thought Hell could get too hot? It’s pandemonium down here, and let me tell you, the irony is not lost on us.”
The harried evacuation took place under the shadowy darkness of an eclipse of the eternal flame, as bewildered cherub-faced villains-in-training were bundled into asbestos-lined carriages, ferried by the most infernal order of the Hellspital corps. Their destination: the considerably cooler climes of Purge-tory, Egypt’s premier resort for the wicked waiting to be wicked enough for Hell proper.
Sulphura Seraphim, a nurse at the Hell Pit, explained how the evacuation was a fiery frenzy. “We’re used to things heating up around here, but this was literal Hellfire. The little ones’ hooves were practically melting!”
In an official statement, General Blazefury, head of the Malevolent Military Order in the Underrealm, assured the populace that the evacuation was a mere precaution. “Fear not, minions and malefactors! Our most diabolical of spawn are safe and will be back in the brimstone, shaping into future tormentors and temptresses, as soon as we fix this blasted thermostat!”
Rumors, however, swirl like the everlasting storms in the Sulfuric Skies, with some whispering of a botched sabotage by a faction of rogue cherubs looking to instigate an Upstairs-downstairs scandal.
When asked about the potential for angelic interference, an eye-witness known only as Pitchfork Paddy hissed, “Those winged goody two-shoes wouldn’t know a thermostat from a thesaurus. Nah, this was an inside job. Probably one of those teething tots chewed through the wiring.”
As caretakers of the netherworld’s newborns fan themselves with palm fronds and scrolls of the damned, the rest of Hell’s inhabitants are left wondering — can even the fire of eternal damnation take a day off?
Meanwhile, the premature, overheated minions of the future are kicking back in cooler conditions, plotting their terrible twos, which, in the Underworld, are expected to last at least a century. Now that’s a terrible toddler tantrum in the making!
