In a fiery twist that has all denizens of the Netherworld gasping through their brimstone-breathed sighs, the chairman of the House of Lamentations Ethics Committee, Beelzebub Q. Mephistopheles, has introduced a resolution to expel the notoriously devious George Sulfuros from the Infernal Council, citing “unprecedented levels of trickery and chicanery unbefitting even a demon of the lowest order.”
The announcement comes after months of scandalous revelations involving Sulfuros, a representative of the 666th District of Perdition, who skyrocketed to infamy for fabricating his entire existence. Not content with merely selling his soul – a standard practice in these sulfurous pits – Sulfuros is accused of using campaign contributions for personal indulgences such as botox to maintain his deceptively youthful and less-horned appearance, rent for his mansion in the Stygian Estates, and lavish trips to the Lake of Fire resort.
“In all my eons of tormenting the damned, I’ve never witnessed a demon who so blatantly flouted the spirit of malevolence we hold dear,” Mephistopheles bemoaned, his forked tongue flicking in disgust. “This vile creature has besmirched the good, evil name of Hell.”
Sulfuros, who rose through the ranks with a speed that made even the most ambitious imps suspicious, promised that he would not seek reelection, stating, “I have decided to spend more time with my family in the Eighth Circle. It’s the politics of personal destruction that drive good demons away from public service.” Skeptics, however, suggest that the pledge not to run was merely another one of his infernal illusions.
The resolution has stirred considerable debate in the Underworld, with traditionalists arguing that deceit is a hallmark of any damned soul worth their salt, while reformist devils decry such dishonesty as “a bit much, even for Hell.”
“Expelling Sulfuros sets a dangerous precedent. What’s next, banning souls who double-dip their chips in the eternal fondue of despair?” questioned Lilith van Pandemonium, a senior lobbyist for the Liar’s League.
Conversely, up-and-coming demon Azazel Thrax supplied, “We need to drain the lava pit. Hell used to stand for something – temptation, sin, the eternal damnation of souls. Sulfuros is turning it into a farce!”
As the fiery debate rages on, the population of the Netherworld awaits the decision with bated breaths. A vote is expected to take place under the watchful eye of Lucifer himself, who has reportedly grown tired of Sulfuros’s shenanigans interfering with his daily torturing schedule.
In the meantime, The Inferno Report promises to keep its readers updated with all the backstabbing, deceit, and political intrigue that Hell has to offer. After all, in the land where the home fires never cease, it’s always a good day to watch a sinner’s downfall.
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