In what can only be described as a medical breakthrough with potentially malevolent undertones, a small study led by Dr. Luciferase Beelzebub, a name already ringing infernal alarm bells, has seen the slashing of dangerous cholesterol levels among a select group of damned souls. Or so the press release would have you believe.
The study, conducted in the depths of the subterranean lab at Pandemonium Pharmaceuticals, abuzz with the constant wails of the eternally condemned, found that a new gene editing treatment, termed “Diabolical Base Editing” (DBE), significantly cuts sinister lipid levels. Yet critics suggest it may cut a bit more than just cholesterol.
DBE, a suitably nefarious spin on the now almost holy CRISPR technology, supposedly targets specific genes responsible for the production of cholesterol. The technique, hailed as precision medicine, might actually be more akin to precision torture, as it involves altering the very essence of the damned’s being. “It’s all about making those pesky mortal coils a little bit easier to manage,” explained Dr. Beelzebub, his horns glinting in the hellfire-lit lab. “Nobody likes a high cholesterol. It mucks up the works, even down here.”
With the trial participants having no chance of heavenly intervention, the treatment was met with a mix of begrudging acceptance and outright terror. “I don’t know what to think,” mourned one subject, who preferred to remain anonymous lest they draw the attention of the infernal authorities. “They say it’s going to help, but last time I trusted a demon, I ended up signing a very regrettable thousand-year lease.”
The process has unsurprisingly raised ethical concerns among the more goody-two-shoes-less residents of the underworld. “Sure, lower LDL levels sound great on paper,” commented Professor I.M. Gnashing, a critic of the study, “but at what cost? Have we not tortured these souls enough without messing with their genomes too?”
Yet, the team at Pandemonium Pharmaceuticals remains undeterred by naysayers, boasting that their pioneering treatment promises to lower not only LDL but also potential for uprising and general levels of infernal disobedience. “Think of it as a win-win,” said Dr. Beelzebub with a fiendish grin, “They’re less likely to suffer a stroke, and we’re less likely to suffer their insubordination.”
Questions remain about the study’s long-term effects. Subjects reported a range of side effects, including an inexplicable craving for brimstone, spontaneous combustion, and a sudden appreciation for elevator music—symptoms distressingly dismissed as “minor” by the overseeing demon doctors.
“Look, in the grand scheme of things, a little gene-altering here and there is nothing compared to eternal damnation,” Dr. Beelzebub argued, brandishing a syringe filled with a swirling abyssal substance. “We’re doing them a favor. Besides, it’s not like they can die again, right?”
As controversy continues to swirl like the River Styx, with both mortal and immortal health experts weighing in, the true beneficiaries of this hellish healthcare breakthrough remain as murky as the Phlegethon. Nevertheless, Pandemonium Pharmaceuticals plans to roll out the treatment to a wider circle of the damned, citing a waiting list that stretches longer than Cerberus’s leash.
In the end, this cholesterol-cutting saga serves as a fiery reminder to all those contemplating eternal deals: Read the fine print, or you may find yourself part of a clinical trial that’s less clinical and more trial.
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