Volcano’s Reel Reviews

By Vincent Volcano, retired Hellwood arsonist of emotion, wearer of a fiery red scarf, and unwilling subscriber to nostalgia bundles I’ve seen eternity. It looks like a Disney+ splash screen that keeps asking if I’m still watching. Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! Pity no one told the algorithms. Season 2 of X-Men ’97 warps […]

By Vincent Volcano, Hellwood’s retired firebrand, currently critiquing from a lava recliner. Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! Initial Sizzle The sixth Scary Movie lurches onto screens like a resurrected ghoul that can’t remember why it crawled out of its grave but brought a fog machine anyway. In my day, we bled for our laughs—corn

By Vincent Volcano, retired Hellwood arsonist of emotion, scarf still smoldering. Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! The pitch: Stranger Things but with AARP benefits. Netflix arrives at the bingo hall with eight episodes of paranormal prune juice, starring an ensemble so decorated you could hang them on Hell’s holiday tree: Alfred Molina, Alfre Woodard,

By Vincent Volcano, Retired Hellwood Arsonist of Emotion, wearer of a scarf that smolders on its own Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! Tuner arrives like a midnight piano recital in a motel lobby: competent, faintly classy, and constantly interrupted by the ice machine. Director Daniel Roher graduates from documentaries to narrative with a caper

By Vincent Volcano, retired pyromaniac of pathos and cardiganed curmudgeon of Hellwood. Fiery red scarf on, bile warmed to a simmer. Let’s strike the match: Obsession is another entry in the ever-expanding subgenre I call Careful-What-You-Wish-For-But-Also-Please-Discuss-Your-Feelings. Writer-director Curry Barker takes a dollar-store hex stick—the “One Wish Willow”—and waves it over a shy boy named Bear

By Vincent Volcano, retired Hellwood firebrand in a scarf so hot it has its own SAG card. Initial Descent James Cameron has finally discovered the genre he always wanted to conquer: the $65 million close-up. Yes, for the cost of three mid-tier indies and one reasonable volcano eruption, we now have a 3D concert film

By Vincent Volcano, retired Hellwood fire-starter and scarf enthusiast Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! Neon has uncorked a chilly little tincture called Hokum, and for once the label isn’t false advertising. Don’t clutch your rosary beads yet—this isn’t bad hokum. This is precision-brewed, mildew-scented, peat-smoked hokum, the sort that creeps under the fingernails and

By Vincent Volcano, Director Emeritus of Inferno’s Gate and Occasional Arsonist of Hype Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! Initial Sizzle Another week, another glossy blood-slicked “rom-combutchery” where love dies loudly and test audiences cheer in Dolby ATMOS. Over Your Dead Body, a Jorma Taccone joint by way of a Norwegian blender, arrives with a

By Vincent Volcano, retired director of Eternal Ember and Inferno’s Gate, now begrudgingly seated in Row Hades, Screen 3 Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! Initial Searing David Lowery has again tiptoed across the coals of commerce and art, this time barefoot and humming Charli XCX. Mother Mary is not a ghost story, he insists—then

By Vincent Volcano, retired Hellwood arsonist of emotions, scarf blazing and patience extinguished. Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever! Premise check: the galaxy far, far away has now circled so many times it’s dizzy, and Disney has decided the one thing we’ve been missing is more Maul—specifically “interim manager of crime” Maul, starring in an