Volcano’s Reel Reviews

Ah, the malaise of modern cinema continues to haunt us like a specter that can’t take a hint at a séance. This week’s supernatural disturbance emanates from Disney+, which, in a fit of unoriginality so profound it could only be deliberate, dropped “Star Wars: Tales of the Empire” onto our screens. Yes, my fiery friends, […]

Ah, ‘Abigail’, the latest concoction stirred up by the cauldron-wielding duo Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett. I ventured into the dimly lit abyss of the local cineplex, nostalgic pangs for the days of yore gnawing at my soul, hoping this flick might echo the glorious chiaroscuro of true cinematic fervor. Spoiler: it didn’t. Let’s slice

Ah, dear readers, gather ’round as I, Vincent Volcano, once lord of the cinematic inferno, now forced to endure the flickering embers of modern moviemaking, bring you my torrid take on the scorcher— not of quality, but of insufferable predictability— “Rebel Moon: Part Two – The Scargiver.” Let’s set the scene: If the first part

Ah, the intoxicating aroma of Apocalypse Now-esque existential angst wafts once more through the cinematic landscape with Alex Garland’s latest venture, ‘Civil War’. Garland, a fellow with a penchant for the apocalyptic, once again tugs at the threads of societal disintegration, albeit with a nuanced subtlety that might leave the more fiery denizens of our

Ladies and gentlemen, demons and imps of The Inferno Report, it’s your favorite retired Hellwood maestro, Vincent Volcano here. I just endured ‘The First Omen,’ and by the Nine Circles, I wish it had been my last. You see, back in my day, we knew how to stoke the flames of horror without so much

Ah, the smell of burnt celluloid in the morning! Vincent Volcano here, with a critique that’s hotter than the flames in Beelzebub’s barbecue pit. Let’s swing into “A Spider Within: A Spider-Verse Story” – another visual web supposedly spun to dazzle and ensnare. This time, it’s a dance of arachnid anxiety as young Miles Morales

Ladies, gentlemen, and demonic entities of all persuasions, it’s Vincent Volcano here, once again donning my director’s cap – with horns, naturally – to dissect the latest attempt at reviving the amber-preserved nostalgia of your human youth: ‘X-Men ‘97’. As the flames of Hellwood flicker with anticipation, let’s blast this updated animation with the scorching

Greetings, my fiery aficionados of cinema, it’s your once-lauded auteur of Hellwood, Vincent Volcano, here to scorch another celluloid victim with the blazing truth. Today, I’m dissecting ‘Arthur the King,’ a film that’s as formulaic as a recipe for brimstone stew – take one part human triumph, one part adorable mutt, blend with Hollywood clichés

Vincent Volcano here, once a crafter of Hellwood’s fieriest flicks, now sadly watching as real fire is replaced by the fizzle of modern mediocrity. So, let’s torch through ‘Damsel,’ a supposed subversion of the knight-and-dragon lore that’s so formulaic, it might as well have been brewed in a cauldron of clichés. The film opens with

Ladies, gentlemen, and denizens of the netherworld, it is I, Vincent Volcano, once the fiery centrifuge of Hellwood’s golden era, now reduced to sifting through the tepid ashes of modern television. Today, I am forced to subject my eyes to ‘The Regime,’ a series so desperate to fill the gargantuan shoes of ‘Succession’ it seems