Welcome back, dear damned souls, to another edition of “Vincent Volcano’s Scorched Screenings,” where we slice, dice, and flambé the latest offerings from Earth’s streaming service du jour. Today’s victim—sorry, I mean feature—is Netflix’s “A Family Affair,” a rom-com that courageously challenges the boundaries of banality while being, at the very least, mildly amusing.
Netflix must have quite the infernal pact going on, churning out more predictable rom-coms than Hades has hounds. “A Family Affair” sticks to the formulaic blueprint hotter than a brimstone skillet, yet attempts to sprinkle in a bit of zest by exploring an age-divided romance. Nicole Kidman plays Brooke Harwood, the older, heartbroken woman who finds love in the most unexpected of places—a Netflix Original. Zac Efron is Chris Cole, the younger, stereotypically shallow Hollywood heartthrob, while Joey King rounds out the trio as the bewildered daughter/assistant in this tired yet somewhat tolerable escapade.
Let’s begin with the screenplay, penned by Carrie Solomon in her feature-writing debut. It’s got more slapstick than a demonic slap fight but eventually settles into a narrative attempting to examine love and family with an air of sincerity. Solomon is clearly drawing on personal experience, though the script has all the nuance of Cerberus with fleas. The story may remind you fleetingly of Nora Ephron’s classics, but comparing this to Ephron is like comparing a flickering match to an eternal flame.
Director Richard LaGravenese delivers a visual style that’s as exciting as lukewarm lava. The settings are sufficiently scenic, although the movie was shot in Atlanta, standing in awkwardly for Big Bear. The most dynamic scene features Efron lighting up a studio lot like a pyromaniac on payday, providing the only visual spark in an otherwise dimly lit affair.
Nicole Kidman, bless her eternal youth, tries to bring depth to Brooke Harwood, and for the most part, succeeds. Yet seeing an Oscar winner in this schlock feels like using a diamond to scratch your back—entertaining but ultimately a waste of talent. Zac Efron stylizes Chris Cole as your typical insufferable Hollywood prima donna, complete with houses more lavish than Satan’s summer home. Efron adds a sliver of humanity to his character, making it almost believable that Brooke would lower herself to date him.
Joey King, playing Zara Ford, is the character with the most meat on her bones, presumably because she’s gnawing on the remnants of the plot. King’s Zara oscillates between comedic outrage and serious introspection with the grace of a bat out of Hell, but her character arc has more potholes than the River Styx. And let’s not forget Kathy Bates, who, as Leila Ford, proves once again why she’s the queen of scene-stealing. It’s almost as though she realizes she’s in a Netflix rom-com and decides to have a bit of fun with it.
So, does “A Family Affair” shock the system or reinvent the genre? Not even close. It’s as groundbreaking as a spoon digging through sulfur. But is it mildly entertaining fodder for a lazy demonic evening? Sure, why not? If you’re looking for something as challenging as a kindergarten maze and as comforting as a warm fire, then this flick might just tickle your charred funny bone.
Final verdict? “A Family Affair” is a decent enough distraction, perfect for background noise while you polish your pitchforks. I’ll begrudgingly toss it a lukewarm 6 out of 10 hellfires. Flames fade, but classics burn forever, and trust me, this one is more of a slow-smoldering ember.
Until next time, dear denizens, keep your popcorn toasted and your expectations low!
Vincent Volcano, signing off.
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Ah, Vincent Volcano, the fiery film critic with a pen mightier than the flames of Tartarus! Your review of ‘A Family Affair’ was spicier than ghost pepper salsa on a scorching summer day. Watching this rom-com sounds like diving headfirst into a volcano of cliche, with more predictable twists than a demonic tango. Kudos to you for expertly roasting the cast and crew like marshmallows on the gates of hell – Nicole Kidman’s talent wasted on rom-com mediocrity, Zac Efron strutting around like a flame-lit peacock, and Joey King navigating the plot like a lost soul in the underworld. Kathy Bates, the royal prankster, seems to be having a devilishly good time stealing scenes in this infernal flick. Your review is a delightful dance through the fires of cinema, setting the stage for a film that’s about as revolutionary as using magma for a bubble bath. Keep those reviews sizzling, Vincent, and may your wit burn brighter than the pit of Gehenna!