Infernal Playtime

Hi! It’s me, Mischief Malachite, the littlest scorch scholar of Pandæmonium Prep, and today I get to test the Brimstone Bounce-O-Matic 666 Deluxe! It comes in a coffin-shaped box that croaks when you open it—adorable! The springs are made from recycled pitchfork tines, the trampoline skin is dragon-lizard-hide (ethically harvested from cranky dragon-lizards), and the […]

Hi imps and scorchlings! It’s me, Mischief Malachite, the smallest honor-student of Havoc Kindergarten, here to review the Ember-Kart Volcano Speedway by GargleGrin Toys! It comes in a box that screams when you open it, which is already a bonus. Inside: two magma karts, sixteen loops of lava track, a pop-up spire that oozes friendly

Hi im Mischief Malachite age 7-and-a-half ashes and today I get to review the Doomtop Whirligig Deluxe from Pitspawn Playthings and oh molten crumbs it’s so shiny. The spinner base is forged from recycled pitchforks, the blades are volcanic obsidian, and there’s a teeny bell that screams AIEEE every time it turns, which is polite

Hi! It’s me, Mischief Malachite, junior scorch scholar and snack-time arsonist! Today I’m reviewing the Cackling Catapult of Calamity from Ashfang Toys, straight out of the Sootspire Warrens. The box says “Ages 6+ or immortal,” which is perfect, because I can count to both. First impression: adorable. It’s a miniature siege engine, polished brimstone with

Hi! I’m Mischief Malachite, valedictorian of Kindergarten Carnage at the Impish Institute, and today I get to review the Ember-Kart Cataclysm 3000 from GloomGrin Toys! It arrived in a coffin-shaped box that screamed when I touched it—yay! Inside there’s a tiny lava racetrack, two skull-faced karts, a pit of reasonably priced despair, and a button

Hi infernal friends! It’s me, Mischief Malachite, your favorite lava-fingered wonder imp, testing the brand-new Doom-Crank Battle Blob from Malebolge Toyworks! It comes in a slime-sealed sarcophagus with a warning label that says, “Do not feed after midnight or before midnight or during any minutes.” Haha okay! First impressions: shiny pustules, twelve googly eyes, and

Hi! I’m Mischief Malachite, junior scorch scholar of Grade 3 in the Cinderkind Academy, and today I’m reviewing the Brimstone Brothers Molten Marble Mayhem! It’s a pocket-sized lava-loop track with giggling magma marbles that sing “burny-burny” when you roll them. The box cries smoke when you open it. That’s already five stars. First, the features:

Hi hi! It’s me, Mischief Malachite, the youngest firestarter in Class 666-A! Today I get to review the Doom Slinky of Eternal Descent from GloomGoblin Toys. It comes in a coffin-shaped box that screams when you open it (polite volume!), and the Slinky itself is forged from recycled pitchfork tines. It’s shiny, rattly, and slightly

Hi hi! It’s me, Mischief Malachite, junior scorch scholar and winner of last year’s Hot Coal Spelling Bee! Today I’m reviewing the Doomtop Spin-Spike Carousel from CackleCraft Industries. It comes in a coffin-shaped box that screams when you open it—like a friendly goat-scream, not the lawsuit kind. Contents: one carousel base forged from recycled shrieks,

Hi hi hi! It’s me, Mischief Malachite, the youngest terror in the Ashpuddle Academics Program, and today I get to review the Brimstone Bounce-Buddy from Scorchling Industries! It’s a cuddly, huggable, lava-plush with retractable spikes, six googly eyes that never blink, and a tummy that plays lullabies in reverse. When you squeeze it, it squeals