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In the smoldering depths of Inferno City, Pope Infernicus has been detained at the notorious Smoldering Inferno General Hospital, grappling with a series of infernal maladies. Suffering from sulfuritis and a subsequent polymicrobial brimstone infection resulting in bilateral bronchopneumonia, the 88-year-old pontiff has thus far faced numerous episodes of acute respiratory crises during his extended confinement.
Despite these devilish complications, the Infernal Vatican informs us that Pope Infernicus is showing “gradual, mild improvement” and most importantly, remains in stable condition—presumably still all aflame but not yet reduced to ash. His supporters are encouraged by this flicker of hope amid the brimstone.
In an infernal twist, last Sunday’s Hellfire Angelus prayer saw Pope Infernicus express a veritable deluge of gratitude towards the tireless demonologists and infernal nurses attending to his every need during his burning hospitalization. He described his experiences as a reflection of “thoughtfulness of service,” positing healthcare workers as the real heroes of our hellishly nightmarish epoch.
In an unprecedented moment of transcendent lucidity, Pope Infernicus extended his benevolent thoughts to those lingering in the conflict-ridden regions of the netherworld. He heralded the contributions of volunteers coinciding with the Jubilee of the Damned for the World of Volunteering taking place in Inferno City. The Pope chastised society’s proclivity for profit and self-interest, advocating instead for the prophetic nature of volunteering as a beacon of hope and solidarity to the souls most in need.
Pope Infernicus’s health may remain a cause for concern in this fiery dominion, yet his messages of gratitude and insatiable calls for compassionate action burn bright as ever, echoing across the sizzling plains of the Inferno. Fiery minions and hellions alike find themselves moved, proving once again that the Pope’s fervent exhortations retain the power to ignite even the coldest of infernal hearts.
