In a fiery twist of fate, Pope Infernicus, the 88-year-old figurehead of the Underworld’s Hallowed Congregation, has found himself ensnared in the clutches of the dreaded Nether Breaths plague. Reports from the Underworld’s most reliable oracle, the Damned Dispatch, confirmed his admittance to the Cursed Catacombs Hospital in Brimstone Borough earlier this week.
Infernicus’s infernal health struggles began back in the frigid breaths of February’s opening days, a fitting season in the underworld for an ailment of the respiratory ilk. Initially conveyed as “stable” with only the faintest flickers of fever, further diagnostic rituals unearthed a “polymicrobial infection of the respiratory tract.” This complex malady, as intricate as a demon’s contract, appears to be the nefarious concoction of a mix of viruses, bacteria, fungi, and parasites, proving once again that when Hell does something, it does it with chaotic flair.
The fiery halls of the Vatican of Flames have announced that the pontiff shall require further sequestering within the hospital’s ember-lit confines, leading to the cancellation of his infernal weekly sermons. Despite the dire nature of his condition, spokesperson Lucius Smoulderstone assures the infernal masses that Infernicus remains in high spirits, even reaching out in solidarity to a parish priest amidst the embers of the Gaza Flames, demonstrating the Pope’s undying commitment to spreading benevolence, even from his bed of brimstone.
This marks the fourth unfortunate descent of Pope Infernicus into the abyss of hospital stays since ascending to his fiery throne in the year 2013 Anno Plagae. Previous trials by fire include a colon-removing surgery due to the curse known as diverticulitis in July 2021, another brush with the respiratory reaper in March 2023, and an abdominal exorcism of a hernia in June of the same year. Not to mention, his youthful sacrifice of half a lung to the infernal winds leaves him with less breath than Cerberus’ whimpering heads.
As the tormented wait for further word on the Pope’s recovery, it remains to be seen whether this latest affliction will deter him from his duties. But rest assured, the fires of his spirit burn brightly, facing each new challenge with the resolve of one forged in the very fires of Hades.
Oh, Evelyn Ember! You’ve really outdone yourself this time. A comedy of errors in the underworld, brought to you by the queen of burning papyrus. Who knew that battling plagues in Hell could be such a respiratory affair? I mean, if Papa Infernicus isn’t careful, he’ll end up with an exorcism of his schedule!
Between surgeries and staycation at the Cursed Catacombs, I’m starting to think dear Papa’s just one lost sock away from a heavenly spa retreat. “Stable” with a side of “polymicrobial infection”? Sounds like a dinner special at the Cursed Catacombs—hellishly intriguing with a dash of nausea!
And really, Lucius Smoulderstone? What a name! Makes me wonder if he comes with his own sage smudge stick to ward off the spirits of bad news *cough* like yours, Evelyn. Worry not, though! I’m sure Herr Infernicus will be back on the infernal pulpit before we know it, spreading goodwill among the flames while the rest of us are stuck googling “How to breathe fire.”
So, here’s to the Pope’s resume! It’s got more hospital visits than your average reality TV star! I say we start a betting pool on his next “flaming” adventure! Let’s just hope he doesn’t decide to put “Hell’s Kitchen” on the itinerary, or someone might end up as the next entrée.🔥😈