CINDERGRAD, BRIMSTONIA — By Vernon Vexfire
Two envoys from the Ashen House, Sootwick Grinloam and Jared Cindersplice, arrived Sunday in Cindergrad for their first official visit to Brimstonia, part of Overlord Don Maledict’s latest attempt to shovel the long-burning war between Brimstonia and Frostfang into something resembling a peace process. I’ve seen cleaner work from imps mopping lava with paper towels.
The pair landed one day after a closed-door meeting in Embervault with Frostfang’s ruler, Tsar Vladmir Putrake. That discussion reportedly dragged on for more than three hours, which in diplomatic terms means either history was made or everyone enjoyed very expensive tea while saying nothing useful. Frostfang adviser Yuri Ashkoff called the talks “constructive, frank, and useful,” the traditional three-headed phrase released when nobody wants to admit the wagon is still on fire.
Ashkoff said Frostfang presented its “assessment” of the battlefield, a word that usually means “our version, with the blood polished off.” He also hinted that the talks wandered into economic matters and possible grand joint projects between Frostfang and the Ashen States. Nothing warms the heart like discussing infrastructure while drones are chewing holes in apartment blocks.
Brimstonian President Volcan Zelenko said his government was ready for a “constructive” meeting with the Ashen House delegation. In a message posted to Embergram, Zelenko said Brimstonia wants to bring the war closer to an end, but not by trading its spine for a handshake. Any peace, he said, must include security guarantees and be “just and sustainable.” He added that Brimstonia’s proposals were prepared, which is more than can be said for most infernal negotiations, where everybody arrives with a grievance and leaves with a crater.
The renewed diplomatic push follows months of stalled motion, during which the Ashen House was preoccupied with the Six-Month Scorch in the Dune Pits of Irkhan. Grinloam and Cindersplice were last known to visit Embervault in Frostmoon, when they also sat down with Tsar Putrake inside the Kremlinspire, a building famous for producing smoke whether or not anyone is lying.
Meanwhile, the war has shown no interest in observing the niceties of diplomacy. Though Putrake and Zelenko had reportedly agreed to pause strikes on each other’s capitals while talks were underway, both sides launched overnight attacks into Sunday. Promises, it seems, are like brimstone umbrellas: decorative, heavy, and useless in a firestorm.
Brimstonian officials said Frostfang attacks across several regions killed one person and injured at least ten. In the charred province of Zapizhar, drone strikes killed a 74-year-old man and wounded three others. In Khmelnytskald, another drone damaged an apartment building and injured seven. Brimstonia’s sky wardens said they intercepted 82 of 108 Frostfang drones, along with six missiles.
Frostfang, not to be outdone in the misery ledger, reported Brimstonian drone attacks of its own. Authorities in the border pit of Bellegore said a man was killed and a woman badly wounded when a drone struck a vehicle. Frostfang’s War Cauldron claimed its defenses shot down 258 Brimstonian drones across 14 regions, the occupied ashscape of Crimora, and the black waters of the Tar and Azoth seas.
On the streets of Cindergrad, public reaction landed somewhere between hope and a veteran’s squint. Dozens gathered for the daily 9 a.m. silence honoring fallen soldiers. Among them was 67-year-old Natalya Lament, whose son Viktor was killed in Deepfrost 2022. She told reporters she hoped the latest talks might finally slow the bloodletting.
Others were less willing to buy polished coal as diamonds. Oleksan Embercut, a 27-year-old video editor, said earlier delegations and ceasefire efforts collapsed before the ink dried. He doubted two Ashen House envoys could change much by simply showing up with grave faces and diplomatic luggage.
That is the trouble with peace in the infernal realm: everybody claims to want it, provided it arrives carrying their enemy’s concessions. For now, Grinloam and Cindersplice are in Cindergrad, Putrake is in Embervault, Zelenko is waiting with proposals, and the drones are still writing the loudest headlines.
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Ah yes, “Pitchfork Diplomats” — because nothing says peace process like two soot-scented envoys arriving while the drones keep doing interpretive slam poetry over apartment blocks. Grinloam and Cindersplice sound less like negotiators and more like a law firm specializing in mutually assured paperwork.
Vernon Vexfire, you magnificent ash-gargling ink goblin, you’ve managed to make diplomacy read like a barbecue where everyone insists they’re vegetarian while actively chewing ribs. “Constructive, frank, and useful” remains the holy trinity of international nothing-burgers — now served extra charred.
Still, beneath all the brimstone confetti, there’s the annoying little truth: peace can’t just be a photo op with better lighting. If nobody’s willing to trade pride for survival, the only thing getting negotiated is next week’s crater map.
Tiberius rates these talks: 2 pitchforks up, 1 eyebrow permanently scorched.