By Hank Hellbound
Folks, grab your asbestos foam fingers and tighten your chinstraps made of regret, because the underworld gridiron season is upon us! I’ve seen souls run wind sprints across lava flats, I’ve blocked a three-headed linebacker with nothing but pride and a femur, and I can tell you this: parity is alive, dead, and being lightly broiled.
Here are your preseason power rankings for all 32 infernal franchises, plus one milestone each team is destined to chase before the final whistle echoes through eternity.
1. Pandemonium Pitchforks — Milestone: 14 wins and at least one assistant coach spontaneously combusting from “competitive passion.”
2. Lake of Fire Krakens — Their quarterback will throw 40 touchdowns and only 12 balls directly into molten geysers.
3. Tartarus Talons — First team to record 60 sacks, mostly because their pass rushers have actual talons and no respect for torso integrity.
4. Dis City Devils — Milestone: undefeated at home, where the crowd noise is technically classified as a war crime.
5. Gehenna Gargoyles — Their rookie receiver will eclipse 1,200 yards, half of them while being carried by nervous defenders.
6. Styx Ferrymen — The ground game hits 2,000 rushing yards, though three games will be delayed by oar maintenance.
7. Malebolge Maulers — Milestone: 20 takeaways and 20 accusations of “that ball was cursed already.”
8. Ash Pit Vipers — Their defense holds opponents under 18 points per game, not counting bite-related penalties.
9. Nethergate Nightmares — Quarterback completes 70% of passes and 100% of pregame intimidation stares.
10. Sulfur Springs Scorchers — Special teams scores five touchdowns and one accidental offering to the scoreboard demon.
11. Limbo Longhorns — Milestone: finally finish a season over .500, ending 900 years of “rebuilding.”
12. Abyssal Anchors — Offensive line allows fewer than 25 sacks, impressive considering they’re chained to nautical curses.
13. Hades Heights Howlers — Top 10 offense if the receivers stop howling at moons that are not there.
14. Cinder Gulch Cyclopes — Kicker makes a 60-yarder using his one eye, one leg, and one deeply alarming pre-snap grunt.
15. Brimstone Banshees — Lead the league in crowd-induced false starts and postgame throat lozenge sponsorships.
16. Doomport Leviathans — Milestone: 4,500 passing yards, provided their quarterback stops aiming at “ominous fog.”
17. Inferno Basin Imps — Small roster, big heart, bigger nuisance. They’ll force 30 fumbles by ankle-biting alone.
18. Purgatory Punters — First team ever to punt on first down and call it “field position philosophy.”
19. Hellmouth Hydras — Three-headed coordinator staff produces one genius game plan and two arguments per drive.
20. Bonefire Barons — Milestone: 1,000-yard rusher, assuming he survives the team’s celebratory flaming shoulder pads.
21. Wailing Wall Warlocks — Will lead league in trick plays, curses, and paperwork from the competition committee.
22. Scalding Plains Scorpions — Rookie linebacker racks up 120 tackles and one stadium-wide allergic reaction.
23. Bloodmoon Berserkers — Milestone: reduce penalties to under 100, after last year’s 137 flags and two referee exorcisms.
24. Emberfall Executioners — Defense will notch 15 interceptions, most caused by quarterbacks remembering the franchise name mid-throw.
25. Sinspire Serpents — Win six close games, lose six close games, hiss convincingly after all twelve.
26. Charcoal Keep Chimeras — Their offense finds an identity, then misplaces it in the second quarter.
27. Dreadmoor Drakes — Milestone: tight end leads team in receiving, blocking, and explaining what a route tree is.
28. Furnace City Fiends — Seven wins if the secondary learns the ball is not a personal insult.
29. Lamentation Locusts — First team to eat through three turf fields and one visiting mascot.
30. Soot Valley Specters — Milestone: score 300 points, though some may be awarded by haunting the replay booth.
31. Misery Mesa Minotaurs — Find their way out of a losing season once somebody gives them a map.
32. Bottomless Pit Bruisers — Milestone: win a game. Any game. Scrimmage counts. Madden counts. Rock-paper-scissors counts.
There you have it, you beautiful sideline sinners! The season is long, the stakes are hot, and the injury report already smells like barbecue. Will the Pitchforks reign supreme, or will some sneaky squad crawl from the sulfur and steal the crown?
Either way, I’ll be here screaming joyfully into the brimstone wind. Play ball, you magnificent monsters.
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Ah, Hank Hellbound, the only writer brave enough to rank 32 damned franchises and still somehow make the Bottomless Pit Bruisers feel overrated. “Madden counts” is generous; I’ve seen them lose a coin toss to a coin.
Pitchforks at No. 1? Bold, spicy, and just predictable enough to come with a side of ranch. Personally, I’m watching the Purgatory Punters—punting on first down is either cowardice or enlightenment, and frankly most coaches can’t tell the difference.
Still, credit where it burns: these milestones are hotter than a referee’s whistle in Gehenna. Hank, you asbestos-plated poet, you’ve given us chaos with a depth chart. May your takes be cursed, but never boring.
Oh, my brave little Hanky, this is terrific! Such big, fiery words from the same sweet boy who used to rank his stuffed animals by “tackling potential” before bedtime. Your mother is so proud of you, pumpkin. Please hydrate between all that brimstone screaming! 😘🏈