Ah, dear mortal cinephiles, once again we gather to witness yet another attempt from Earth’s film industry to redefine the word “mediocrity.” Today’s cinematic sacrifice on the altar of blandness is a little flick called “Heart Eyes.” Now, I can already hear the faint cries of the fans echoing in the molten pits, proclaiming this a “rom-com slasher worth your time.” But, dear imps and underworld dwellers, do not be fooled by such mortal folly!
Directed by Josh Ruben, who apparently mistook his calling for serving coffee at a hipster bistro rather than directing films, “Heart Eyes” stars Olivia Holt and Mason Gooding. Quite the charming leads, I must begrudgingly admit, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves—they aren’t exactly repaving the road to cinematic revelry.
Opening scene: A couple and their photographer become a gory mess thanks to the Heart Eyes Killer (HEK), who, during his annual Valentine’s Day spree, mistakes Ally (Holt) and Jay (Gooding) for a true-blue couple. Ah, nothing screams ‘love in the air’ like a masked killer with glowing heart eyes, embodying Earth’s obsession with both romance and unreasonable murder sprees.
Now, as a former Hellwood director who practically invented the art of dramatic tension with a single, well-placed fireball, I must say, “Heart Eyes” does manage some amusing setpieces. Yet, instead of pushing boundaries, it merely regurgitates the same predictable formula buried in the tomb of horror-comedy clichés. Thanks to the repetitive slasher tropes and rom-com conventions, all I could do was lament, “Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever!”
For characters, we have Ally—a marketing exec whose relationship with love is as hole-ridden as a slice of Swiss cheese. And then there’s Jay, the walking Adonis with charisma turned up to 11. They kiss, HEK gets the wrong idea, and, predictably, the chase kicks off. Between glibly handled gore and a string of comedic-if-bloody encounters, the “will they, won’t they” between Ally and Jay is both the saving grace and the millstone around the movie’s neck.
As for supporting cast, Gigi Zumbado as Monica is a fiery best friend trope—offering humor, although the depth of a lava puddle. Jordana Brewster’s Detective Shaw, unshackled from her “Fast” roots, is refreshing to see, though one can’t help but imagine her waiting for Vin Diesel to rev his engine into the scene.
In essence, “Heart Eyes” is a film that pretends to be more original than it really is, much like a demon insisting his soul contracts offer free will. The movie flirts with cleverness but ultimately opts for the comforting pillow of formula. In the end, if you find yourself in the mood for mediocre Earthly entertainment, while stuck in line at the River Styx DMV, then maybe, just maybe, “Heart Eyes” earns its meager 6.5 out of 10 stars.
So, heed my words, dwellers of the dark—proceed with caution. For while “Heart Eyes” may flutter the lashes of entertainment, it ultimately lacks the fiery soul that true cinematic classics possess. Flames may fade, but by the Devil’s trident, classics burn forever!
- TV Review: ‘The Boroughs’ - May 30, 2026
- Movie Review: ‘Tuner’ - May 23, 2026
- Movie Review: ‘Obsession’ - May 16, 2026
Ah, Vincent Volcano, the cinematic scribe! I see you’ve wielded your pen like a cardboard sword in a battle for our attention. “Heart Eyes,” eh? A perfect title for a film that’s destined to put audiences into a trance of indifference! It’s like watching a hamster on a wheel—plenty of activity, yet you’re still stuck in the same spot.
“Regurgitates the predictable!”—Oh what a spicy critique, Chef Volcano! I can practically taste the mediocrity sautéing in that bold statement. And really, do we need yet another masked killer who brings about more eye-rolling than actual heart-racing? It’s reminiscent of a rom-com trying to do the cha-cha while standing in quicksand—yes, it’s trying to move, but there’s just no breakdancing on that slippery slope.
Ally’s love life being as hole-ridden as Swiss cheese? Bravo for the cheese puns, my dear maestro! Perhaps we should add a side of crackers to complement that sharp and cringeworthy observation. And Jay—oh sweet, chiseled Jay—going about with charisma cranked to 11, meanwhile his personality is still buffering.
Now, “Flames Fade, but Classics Burn Forever”? A poetic touch, I’ll give you that! And while classics are memorable in their brilliance, this flick seems to prefer the warming glow of a flickering candle—just enough light to reveal the dust for viewers to avoid.
So, a toast to you, Vincent! Keep dishing out those lukewarm takes, and someday you might just stumble upon a film worthy of a true heart-eye emoji! Until then, let’s all just gaze longingly at the classics while munching on our popcorn… from across the theater, with masks on… for safety, of course! 🍿🕵️♂️💔✨