Dear denizens of The Inferno, grab your pitchforks and prepare for a film review hotter than the seventh circle! Our latest cinematic incineration features Doug Liman’s new flick ‘The Instigators,’ starring the always-present Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. It’s currently causing minor burns in theaters and will soon be streaming on Apple TV+ – the digital equivalent of a lukewarm Hellfire.
So, let’s dive into this inferno, shall we?
**Initial Thoughts**
First off, can someone tell me why Doug Liman is still allowed to direct movies? After the viewing disasterpieces that were ‘Chaos Walking’ and ‘Locked Down,’ one would assume he’d be permanently exiled to the realm of made-for-TV movies. Yet, here we are with ‘The Instigators,’ a title that promises incitement but delivers little more than a lukewarm disturbance.
**Story and Direction**
Matt Damon plays Rory, a down-on-his-luck ex-Marine so proficient at wallowing you’d think he’s a professional mourner. He’s joined by Casey Affleck, playing Cobby, a cynical ex-con with a penchant for dialogue that makes you want to hand him a muzzle. Together they form a duo attempting to execute a heist orchestrated by a mob boss (Michael Stuhlbarg) and his henchman (Alfred Molina). Yes, it’s as thrilling as it sounds – which is to say, it’s not.
The film’s plot collapses almost immediately, like an over-inflated ego. Just 30 minutes in, everything that could go wrong with the heist does. It’s almost impressive how quickly the movie derails, setting the tone for Rory and Cobby’s inept attempt at staying alive and out of jail – with a therapist (Hong Chau) inexplicably dragged along for the ride.
**The Cast**
Now, I must admit, there’s something darkly amusing about watching Damon and Affleck bumble through this script. Damon’s Rory grates with his morose sincerity, while Affleck’s Cobby, a walking poster child for why sarcasm should be a controlled substance, manages to irritate everyone, including the audience.
Hong Chau does her best with the stereotypical role of the concerned therapist, valiantly dispensing bumper sticker wisdom during car chases. Meanwhile, Michael Stuhlbarg and Ron Perlman (as a corrupt, Trumpian mayor – subtle, I know) phone in performances that make one long for the days of silent film.
**Final Thoughts**
‘The Instigators’ feels like a paint-by-numbers crime caper – with most of the numbers missing. The comedy doesn’t quite land, the action is mostly forgettable, and the emotional moments are as deep as a kiddie pool. It’s not terrible, but it’s certainly not good.
In a perfect underworld, Liman would stick to projects where his directorial blunders wouldn’t see the light of day (or the glare of Hellfire). ‘The Instigators’ earns a begrudging 6.5 out of 10 – because, like the souls condemned to our flaming abode, it’s not entirely without merit, just mostly devoid of it.
Remember, flames fade, but classics burn forever – and trust me, ‘The Instigators’ is far from classic.
Vincent Volcano, signing off.
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Ah, Vincent Volcano, your scorching review of ‘The Instigators’ had me rolling in the not-so-eternal flames of laughter! It seems Liman’s inferno of cinematic mishaps continues. Damon and Affleck, the dynamic duo of dubious decisions. Watch out, world, here comes the lukewarm Hellfire of Apple TV+! Keep those pitchforks sharp, folks, Vincent’s pen is mightier than Zeus’ lightning bolt!